Into the Light

Here is a post I wrote a couple of months ago. Today I am revisiting my conclusions as to what I am about to share was. I'd love it if, from my description, you might be able to help me with understanding what this was and what to do with it. 


I'd like to share my wild story and a dream of reality with you. 
If you don't know me well, and even if you do, here's a basic summary of my life up to this point. I was raised by a single mother who had just lost my father, both of her parents, and ties to the rest of her family in just a few years around the time of my sister and my birth. With two children and the immense weight of her grief, we were pushed and pulled around by the winds of poverty and abuse. It wasn't easy, but we banded together and survived it. We weren't particularly religious, so Love got us through it. In my teens I was an atheist-secular-skeptic-scientific-materialist-type that battled with what would be diagnosed as Depression, Generalized Anxiety, PTSD, and OCD. Then there was a Romance that slowly helped me recover from so many blows over about 6 and a half years.
The next chapter of my life began not too long ago. A couple of years ago I had two hellish psychospiritual journeys sprinkled with a few small moments of bliss and insight. They spanned across about 6 months and ended with two vacations to the hospital. Everything I thought I knew about myself and the world was swiftly smashed to pieces and I was left with a great big pile to sort through and hopefully find some truth and ease in. The shards were often sharp. I started with therapy, which was helpful in the transition. Over time I realized I was essentially paying a guy to talk to myself, which was nice, but not really what I'm looking for. So, after a few months, once I felt I got what I could out of there, I moved into the world of spirituality and religion. 
I started my spiritual journey with Buddhism, as I felt it might mesh with Secular beliefs at least to a moderate and helpful extent. I was struck by Buddhism while reading Siddhartha by Herman Hesse and was awe struck by the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu in High School. They were powerful, but I was too distracted to really look any deeper. At this point I still considered most of my pre-hospital experiences simply a major case of the willies. I still did my best to cling to those old ways of thinking, though it was a moderate grip at best. Fear made me suspicious of it, hope and dissatisfaction made me yearn for greener pastures and bluer skies. To my delightful surprise, although my intuition knew, its teachings rang true to my chaotic life's experiences.  Over time, my studies expanded primarily into Hinduism, with a smattering of Taoism, Christianity, - to my teenage self's chagrin - and even a sprinkling of Islam. I even decided to make a pilgrimage to India with a wonderful friend.
Zen Koans knocked around in my brain until they whipped out my stupidity. Meditation brought me a pinch of peace, concentration and a view. Prayer and meditation brought me to my knees as I wept with gratitude, love, and release. Pure contemplation and self-reflection found secret knots in my being that practice could cut through. As I explored the depths, old, half-buried realizations reawakened; new and undiscovered gardens of sweet, fragrant insight burst forth; comically obvious gems of wisdom winked cheekily at me in the moonlight; mirror smooth, bottomless pools of peace reflected the brilliance of the sun's rays and wide open blue sky. Finally, as of this morning, I was transported by Seven Golden Buddhas to an endless realm of loving light where a chorus of innumerable beings sing an eternal crescendo of blissful transcendence, swinging chimes that twinkled as they performed Shiva's ecstatic dance throughout me with no notion of boundary.
To tell that final story, I'll use a couple of weeks ago as the beginning. My sister came down for Thanksgiving, and we haven't been able to spend much time together in these last several years. So I went back to her home with her to spend some quality time. Being around her, through no fault of her own, put me face to face with a great deal of unconfronted or not-confrunted-enough inner turmoil. As I worked through it, I actually ended up dealing with a lot of other seemingly unrelated inner knots. Finally, things began swiftly changing the other day, about Friday night. All of these knots started to come undone, one by one, and I was feeling lighter and happier, reinvigorated. I dove happily back into my practice, and experienced the best days of practice that I may have ever had. Last night I went to sleep feeling good, and decided to do a third-eye meditation until I fell asleep. It was the most intense that the practice has ever been, and I remember it lasted about 15 minutes. Next thing I know I'm dreaming.
The beginning of the dream is fuzzy. There was some woman in a frenzy, she was fighting off some kind of entities that she could see, I couldn't see the. She was running around calling out their names, giving their number, desribing them. I am watching this from above and I realize she was under some sort of spiritual attack. All of a sudden, a man's voice says something to the effect of , "there are Seven Golden Buddhas!" At this point there has been no mention of any religious ideas at all. At the mention of Buddhas, I suddenly become lucid and simply think, "Well, I want to see these Buddhas, perhaps I can see where they are." The next instant they are before me, sitting cross-legged in mid air. I see them, and before I know what's happening, my consciousness is forcefully yet painlessly reoriented, and blasts off in some unknown direction, as if I'd left my body. With a great WHOOSH, I am blown out like a candle.
Any internal commentary ends. No more thoughts. No more thinking about Sean or his friends and life or anything of this world. Like I'd forgotten everything I have ever known. Suddenly, I see a White Light that begins to encompass my vision, as if I'm entering into it. The Light is everywhere, endless, no surfaces reflecting it, brilliant beyond anything I have ever seen, yet somehow it is clear, almost crystalline but not solid. As it intensifies, I become aware of a rising swell of sound. It is the most beautiful and rapturous sound I have ever heard, like the final note to the best symphony the world has ever known, sung by the best choir the world has ever known, by the largest choir the world has ever known, blasting from everywhere all at once, no inside, no outside. I then notice there is also a twinkling of something, like the clapping hands of a vast crowd of crystalline angels. The whole while I am feeling this unimaginable ecstacy, total and complete satisfaction, a bliss beyond words. I recognize this, somehow know this. All I am IS this loving bliss of the Light.
In a similar manner to how the white light spread, at this recognition, a black dot spreads to encompass my vision and the sound goes away. All I see is the back of my eyelids, my body is vibrating with some buzzing energy. I almost consider going back to sleep before I realize the gravity of what just happened, and do my best to reconstruct as much of the dream as I can. 
I take the eyemask off and rush to tell my sister, luckily she is awake. After I tell her what happened, I realize that I opened my eyes minutes before dawn, at 7 am. 7 Golden Buddhas awaken me at 7 to the dawning of a new day. Soon after, an intuition tells me to look up Buddhist holidays. December 8th, when everything turned around, was Bodh Gaya, the day of the Buddha's awakening.
If you had told me this was all going to happen two years ago, I would have laughed in your face. I was a college dropout with a GED who had just become a stoner, nothing ever seemed right. After I got out of the hospital, my first love and High School sweetheart left me and I had to rely on my mother shortly during recover, then I had to support her soon after. This very struggle is the fertile soil of this experience, no need to fret so much about the ever-shifting scenery. When the Light of Awareness is shone, even the seemingly ugliest of things sparkles like diamond. Many of us are Siddhartha still sitting in his palace, dining on fine foods, yet still feeling there's something missing. Others are in slums, despairing at their empty bellies. Both will equally change, don't cling too much to currnt circumstance. Venture forth. All of us can and will live as the great Sages of the past and future whose innumerability is more countless than the stars in a clear night's sky. 
All the words I've used and shall ever use pale in comparison to the depth and power of this realization. See the moon, not the finger. Receive the unspeakable gift of God. Know the Tao that cannot be spoken. Turn from the Illusion, and journey to the Land of Truth. Know the indescribable, eternal, bliss-consciousness of Shiva. 
Don't be content in your palace, don't wallow in your slum, assuming there's nothing better out there for you or that you're not worthy of It. No matter where you're from, no matter who you are, no matter what you've been through, all who read this will be delivered, as certainly as you take your next breath. No need to worry, no need to hope. You're already on the Path. Just take a step, and then the next. Utilize every second of this miraculous human existence.
With great Humility, Joy, and Gratitude, I want to extend the bottomless Love that dwells in my heart to You. To everyone who has ever known me, to everyone who has ever helped me, to everyone who has ever harmed me. To every rock that has supported me as I sat in contemplation. To every stoop that's sheltered me from the weather. To this Animate Earth that lovingly supports my feet as I walk the Path. To all the innumerable beings in all the innumerable realms. To every corner of creation forever and ever, I extend my deepest Self to you and call on You! Experience the Union of Shiva and Shakti! A new dawn approaches for you! Listen for and hear the Lion's Roar! Awaken! Awaken! Awaken!"

Why Seven Golden Buddhas? Does it matter which Buddhas they were? Where did I go? What next? Thank you!

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    • Thank you for your thorough answer! You know,  I hadn't considered the seven factors, but that makes sense. I had been thinking it was perhaps the chairs or simply an auspicious symbol. Gold and 7 are powerful symbols. The day before the dream I was experiencing such peace and joy. The biggest change was the equanimity. I had decided to accept everything as it was,  I had this revelation about how I couldn't change anything in the present moment,  so I just accepted every moment with gratitude. I accepted the flaws of others and the flaws of myself totally. I also accepted my own power,  without making excuses. When something needed to be done, there was no delay. In a way, I have been chasing that equanimity since then. I have it occasionally,  but then I feel dissatisfied with something and jump right back into the game,  haha. It's very difficult to maintain,  especially when there are people around me who need me.  That is usually the big fall. Somebody would like me to do something for them and in the weighing of whether I ought to or not, I slip up. Or I need something done,  and the person I'm relying on refuses to accomplish their end of things. Or, friends and family have some expectation of how I ought to behave,  and I don't want them to worry so I comply. The biggest obstacle is all however is the immense desire to help I have. I see so much suffering,  so many solutions, and so much hopelessness and anger.

      So, now I am trying to move to a place of power where I might be of more use in helping others. I am currently cultivating experiences, knowledge, and siddhis so that I can be as helpful to as many as possible. I am also learning the limits of sleep and diet. As well as learning about the many faiths of the world. Stepping into the shoes of so many faiths and points of views can be rather destabilizing though. Recently after a period of some intense fasting and meditation, I found myself wandering the snow to the point where I was so cold I had to go to the ER. I sang a line of Bohemian Rhapsody, (Any way the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me) and a series of wind gusts pushed to the hospital I was outside of. I had been learning to keep myself warm and awake, somehow how taking energy out of my surroundings at times, heating myself through concentration, but it got to the point where I was basically tripping while walking around. I got pulled along a lot further than I expected. But someone named J.C. helped me and my patient number was 444300777 hahaha. I still don't know what to call all of that. 

      I would semi-disagree with the idea that life is purposeless though. I think helping is the natural result of enlightenment. I think the nature of heart and mind is that it is in-built with a movement toward compassion and wisdom. So yes, there isn't a specific thing to do,  but broadly existence has a sort of drive of its own. When we become more in tune with what is, it picks us up and makes us its instrument. If we open our hearts up to others,  really become one, their suffering is our suffering, it is more like a compulsion to help that overtakes or selfish desires. Everything in my life has been moving toward maximizing how much I can give and help in this lifetime. But in doing that, there is a lot of friction. Internal and external. 

      So what I'm saying in a way is, for me,  chopping wood and carrying water means that I push myself to unknown heights of ability and knowledge in order to help others. The difficulty is in finding the balance between that naturally arising spiritual mission and the mundane requirements of living in civilized society.

      Thank you so much for your input,  this has given me much to consider and a helpful reorientation for my practice. Striking a balance between action and acceptance will be most beneficial. That's probably the greatest imbalance in my life right now. 

      Again,  thank you so much. 

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        • Ah, yes, tricky language. Words attract confusion like flies to shit.  I think I heard that from a Taoist,  haha. There is also some definite bias on my part. I really don't like Alan Watts these days, so perhaps I chose to see his words as negative when I needn't have. But I won't get into my opinions about AW now haha. 

          Thanks for your encouragement. I will slowly compile and add my experiences for the benefit of this community and my own understanding. I'm at a point where I am recouping, recapping, and reorientating, so it's a perfect time to start. 


          I look forward to our future interactions, and sharing how my dance lessons are going haha

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            • That's a good practice,  Erratica. I try to do the same if I notice something and don't get distracted. From my experience, lies and delusions have a snowball effect in your mind and heart. If we don't actually try to clear them out with Truth, slowly but surely they take their tole on us, even in the physical. A bit like a computer virus. 

          • Lovely and useful discussion, guys, good to read.


            I cannot really add much right now, I am not a good dreamer, I forget too much. Main thing I would say K is that you seeing the necessity for balance between  inner and outer activity is a good pointer from your higher self. It is very easy to burn out. From my own experience I spent 5 years without leaving my house, 6 months another time without leaving my bed from burn out. 13 years wandering in hopeless anxiety.  But these are also  lessons and experience and karma and I suppose in a way we all will do what we have to do, be it pleasant or unpleasant, so called, because every person has their life experience to unfold.

            So, no matter what we say to each other, we will all fulfil our paths as necessary. For example at the moment, I feel very mundane, uninspired generally, tired and so on, grumpy even, and sometimes I wonder how that can be after having experienced such lightness, bliss, centredness, certainty, and the various awakenings such as we all have had before. But another big part of me just completely accepts, sometimes we are flying through luminous space, sometimes we are trudging through the sticky bog. Hahah :D It's all good.

            Peace be with you both. 

            • Wow, that must have been very difficult. I am only 24, so doing anything for 5 years is immense to me. I can't imagine being inside for that long. I go crazy after just a few days. If I can walk 8 hours a day, I will, haha. I've considered just walking across the US for an indeterminate amount of time. Going real Gump, haha. 13 years of hopeless anxiety? I had a couple stretches of many months where I was plagued with constant and random panic attacks and dark depressions. And I suppose there's was the mess of my childhood. But that period was horrendous.  I wouldn't wish even that relatively short period on my worst enemy. I feel you. Stories like that are what drive me onward. 

              As for the slump you're in, you might consider a powerful meditation I've done (including the day of the aforementioned experience) a few times that always has fantastic results. It's called Nithya Bliss meditation. The teacher is a bit controversial, but he knows what he is talking about. It's freaky at times how much one man knows. There is also Dynamic meditation from Osho, it's similar but more rigorous. I would simply recommend getting very active. Ecstatic dance is incredibly powerful. Just put on some Isha Sounds and let the music move you. Chant along with it and let your voice shatter the chains of mundanity. You may cry, laugh, scream, explode in movement. I can't recommend it enough. If you fly high enough, move into public with your dance and wink at the judgemental passerby with a big grin. :D

              You may call it acceptance, but for me I call that resignation. Perhaps it IS just karma to be in a slump right now, but consider that it is just karma to hear this advice and act on it. ;) I hope you don't take my words as harsh. I say them with the sweetest intentions. I want you to sip from the nectar of God, too. The way that I understand this existence is that we have infinite responsibility with limited capacity to act. That capacity is still immense in any moment. I'm sure if you try a few methods that have been passed down from our betters, the stickiness will become quickening grease. That's what passing on all this dharma is for. No enlightened being wants you to feel resigned to your fate. Trudge so well that the bog evaporates around you. ;)

              Good luck! I hope for ecstasy in your near future!  :D

              • Thanks K, :)

                Fear not, I am content in my own way. At 51 one learns that up and down is part of it all.

                Funny enough all through my life I have also had the urge you speak of, to put on shoes and keep walking for a long time. I did spend about 4 months walking non stop in the Himalayas when I was about your age. Something about carrying nothing and going nowhere, just being, it's wonderful. When my children are a little more settled in their adult lives I might like to do something like that again.Who knows. And please God we all have health to do these things.

                • That is very true, I'm glad to hear that you are handling it well, then. :) My own mother had talked about going traveling for years, my whole life really,  but we never had the funds to do so. Now I am at a bit of a crossroads in my life. I planned on going to India and soaking in the culture and landscape as soon as possible. Sold almost everything of value and was just gonna live cheap over there. Then... Life happened,  funds got drained, and now things have been delayed. I audio have a different perspective and purpose for going now. I am hopeful that I will be able to travel, but it sure is a tough pill that I have to go back to square one in some ways. Although I learned a ton of valuable lessons in the last several months that will be extremely useful in my travels. About myself, others,  and the interplay. I'm actually extremely happy and grateful that everything has happened the way it has. God has a way of teaching us just what we need to learn - as long as we're perceptive. I'm so perceptive it's as much of a curse as it is a gift, haha. I have to be careful to choose the right plane to perceive!  XD What did you say about the weather? I was just considering how your drinking and reality show binging is covering up for being emotionally closed off and repressed from your husband. >_>

                  • it's hard to get funds to travel but my daughter is just coming home from 18 months travelling in Asia, China, Mongolia,Thailand,Cambodia etc. What she did was working teaching English for about 9 months then doing "workaway" I think it is called, where you work on farms, people's restaurants guesthouse etc and you get free food and room, so maybe look into those kind of things, do a course in teaching English as a foreign language, and look online for jobs. She says they are always looking for people. My friend did it in her 60s, so anything is possible. I can ask my daughter for some web links when she is back next week. PS I don't drink or watch reality shows:)

                    • Wow that's good to know!  I would love to have some of those link if you could pass them on. Haha I was referring to an observation I made recently. I live in the nw of America where alcohol is like water to most people. I stopped drinking last year for my practice and health. As my practice has deepened I occasionally get these "downloads" of information about people sometimes. Especially since I started dabbling with divination. Well, it's often about alcoholism here. The fact that you don't do either is cause for joy.  :D Thanks again for any help you can give. 

  • Thank You, Kshetrajna. Beautiful. And beautifully expressed.

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